?

The lead is back in my soul.
It’s almost an ache in the bottom of my rib cage. It’s like a thumping, pounding bullet.
I don’t know why, but I think I might be falling for you.
Or rather, falling.
Because I’m definitely not flying. There’s no air in my heart anymore. There’s no helium in my lungs. There’s just those sleepless nights, that lack of self-forgiveness, that obsession over the tiny things I remember. Those dreams and those days spent alone with my thoughts. But they’re hardly about you. I don’t know what they’re about. It’s almost an obsession with the sadness of falling again.
I feel like my mind is remembering how much it hurt to pull myself out of this before. But then I had gone in too deep and I was suffocating in a cage, a clamp of iron and lemon and salt around my soul and around my tongue. I cut through the wires that held my soul near to you, and I rose up, scraping my eyes and my lips and my heart against the bars, but when I reached the sun I put out my hands and I laughed.
And now I’m falling again. The wires are creeping around my soul.
But there’s no forgiveness this time.
There’s no laughing sun, no bright stars. Because I know I won’t pull myself up again.
I don’t have the strength. The words come pouring out of me like some liquid inner darkness, and sleep runs away with all the light I had before.
Is it the elephants again?
I don’t know.
Because I don’t know if it’s you. When I know you’re standing before me somewhere I need you. I want to see you so badly I bite my tongue. But when I’m around you, when my lips are touching yours and your taste and your scent are wrapped around my throat I don’t feel anything but lighthearted.
I can’t bear to see you gone, when you’re gone, but when you’re here I don’t believe that it was you, all along.
You might as well lock me up. Because if this is the elephants again I don’t believe you.
But what if it is? What if the pounding in my heart is their feet? What if the breath in my lungs is their scent?
Well, then. At least I understand my soul.