Slimy!

Do any of you have any problems with slimy people? They just seem to be drawn to me. Seriously, It's like the freaking bee and the honey here. Not that I'm not slimy, but all this animal attraction is getting to me. First it was my Mum. I mean, your mother is supposed to be warm and slightly plump and cozy, right, especially British ones with huge glasses (horn rimmed, if you want to know) and strong accents? Not she.
Nope, from the moment of her birth, she was about as thin and slimy as a frog. The first memory I have of her is me gleefully dropping globs of her gooey hand cream down the sink. Then there was these random people I lived with as a kid.
They were English, which I suppose accounts for most of the slime. Robinhood and all his men must've literally lived in webs of the stuff, that's how slimy the English are.
Next, skipping a bit here, there were these French-Canadian folks. If there's anyone slimier then the English, it's the French. Trust me, these guys didn't need soap. After that there were a variety of people I met, mostly in campgrounds, and moistly (pardon the pun) older than me. Slime slime SLIME!!!!
When I got to CA, there was a certain Merry Jane. Look, her parents named her that, not me! SHE.........
gawd. She pretty much mothered all the slime on earth. It rolls off of her like powdered sugar off a wedding cake. I swear, all she is is slime in the wind. She probably has the stuff bottled up somewhere, labeled and everything. I'm surprised she doesn't sleep in the swimming pool to prevent herself from drying out.
It's a showdown of the slimiest here at this house. My mother and MJ.....slime for slime, Merry wins hands-down!!!
Surprisingly enough, my Dad isn't the slightest bit slimy. Maybe all the sauerkraut dried him out (he's German).
Anyways, all that to say, I seem to have all the worst of both worlds here. I think I'm gonna start developing a vaccine 'AntiSlime....protect your children, pets, and furniture!! It's so easy.....spray on, wipe off, inject, swallow, place with your favorite laundry detergents, all with our all-new Pleasant Lemon SCENT!!! Get yours now for HALF THE PRICE!!!!'
If you're looking for a good cause......trust me, this one beats all the starving children in Africa.
Send donations with a healthy glob of slime for testing (such a sample can be obtained by merely giving your nearest impounded relative a hug).

So I'm gonna go work on that.
Stay classy, San Diego!