To believe is.......

I honestly don't know. Trust me, if I could have anything right now, it would be the gift to believe in a conscious higher being, a deity, aka God. Most of my life I've been a Christian. I mean, obviously I'm not very old, but for my young childhood of course I was. When I was about 12, I started to think......."Well, what if God didn't really exist? What if he's all made up, like Santa Claus or something?" At first that scared me. Then I became more and more used to the thought. A few months ago I started to research and learn more about theology. I had a similar interest when I was younger, but still seeing myself as a committed Christian, I had a hard time opening my mind to other 'weirder' religions or non-faiths. So, a couple of months ago I did some soul-searching (for lack of a better word) and really thought about it.........you know, I haven't believed, not really, not ever listened during wordtime, thought prayer was pointless, etc etc, doubted everything I heard, for about two years.

So as soon as I finish school I'm going to leave the religious/christian group I'm in, try and go to a Art school, and generally fend for myself. That kills, it really does.
I had the chance to stay in a fully functional, hardcore family home in Ireland, and talk to some of the coolest people I've met in a long time, including Kaths, (yes, you, kath :P) (A side note---I love Ireland. If you ever have the chance, GO!)and I realized something somewhat disturbing:

Some of the most awesome people I've met are hardcore dedicated to something.

I'm serious. The people that live and breathe work and religion are some of the deepest, funniest, awesomest people! Living examples;

Angel, Kaths, Joe, [other] Jo jo (before he was retarded :P), Squirrel, me Fath, Thea (ok I don't really know her, but she's awesome anyway), and as a tribute; George Harrison. Oh yeah, and Matty, before he left, he was seriously the coolest guy.

I've never seen the "christian light" or "that special glow" so many people talk about, but I swear, some of those people are the coolest I know/have met, and I'm heckishly glad I met them in the first place.

So it struck me today; I'm going to leave the best life I would probably ever have, never talk to the coolest people, give up comfort and everything else because I can't bring myself to believe in a God.

Now I know I can't keep living a lie I can't believe in. But today, I wish I could. I wish I could trade in my cynical, skeptical, doubtful head for a believing one, full of faith and trust and rainbows. It would be so much easier, everything more smooth, the meaning of life (yes, cliche) so much more clear, death easier to comprehend.

Because, you see, the truth is I'm just not sure. I don't know. I don't know if I will ever know. I'll have to be content living my life out in an Agnostic darkness. Because I can't trust religion to hand me a bible and a notebook and say "This is it. This is the truth. This is all you need". I don't trust anyone that much, to run my life. I won't just go about recklessly, no, I'll live my life well, I'll stay optimistic, I'll be cheerful, and I'll enjoy it, too. I just don't trust anything enough to give my whole existence to, because what if it's all I've got?

True, it would be much, much easier to live my life for something I knew for sure was real. Something I could trust in. I could be a awesomely dedicated person. I'd be happy, I'd have 'faith' I'd trust and believe. But if you believe in something hard enough, you can find examples, miracles, you can find evidence for practically anything, especially something that has a "Not seeing is believing" clause built in.

Seriously, show me honest-to-god faults in my logic and I'll consider them. I'd love to find something wrong with this. I'd love to stay. But I can't, which is why I'm sitting here in the rain saying

What if.